Some thoughts on a few of last week’s events in the world of sports:
Urban Meyer
Obviously this is where I’m going to start. For those who might have been doing Christmassy things last weekend instead of watching ESPN, on Saturday night Urban Meyer announced that, after the University of Florida’s upcoming Sugar Bowl appearance on Friday, he would no longer be the head football coach at UF. Then, on Sunday, he changed his mind.
On Saturday night (when Meyer was still leaving), my first thought was that he had had an affair. With Tim Tebow. And of course the report that Urban Meyer was resigning because of a heart muscle defect only added fuel to my fire. Seriously, do you have any idea how many times I made the “Tim Tebow leaving Florida literally broke Urban Meyer’s heart” joke on Saturday night?
After I settled down, I started to think about who might replace Meyer. Names I assumed I would hear in the coming week as potential candidates: Bob Stoops, Jon Gruden, Mike Shanahan, Steve Spurier, Dan Mullen, and Charlie Strong. The name I was 100% sure I would not hear in the coming week: Charlie Weiss.
All of this speculation proved moot, however, when Urban Meyer gave us his best Brett Favre impersonation Sunday afternoon. It’s not exactly clear what Urban Meyer’s plans are now, but until he makes another announcement, we can undoubtedly look forward to countless hours of analysis from Lou Holtz. Awesome.
Da Bulls
Last week the Chicago Bulls blew a 35-point third-quarter lead to the Sacramento Kings, ultimately losing the game by 4 points. The next day, the PTI boys debated whether Vinny Del Negro should be fired for the loss (and because his team is lousy). And while I have the utmost respect for Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon, the implication that a coach should be blamed for a group of professional basketball players blowing a lead that huge is absurd. I understand that in today’s win-or-go-home sports world everybody blames the coaches for everything, but at some point we have to place some of the blame on the players, right? These are professional athletes. If they can’t play hard enough to hold on to a 35-point lead over the Sacramento Kings, then they have much bigger problems than the coach.
Ohio State West
I have made no secret of my dislike for all things Pete Carroll, but amid all of the controversy surrounding the latest USC football scandal, T.J. Simers raised a good question last week: Where has USC’s athletic director Mike Garrett been in all of this? As much as I like to watch Pete Carroll suffer, I can admit that the man has single-handedly returned USC to national prominence and, as Simers points out, probably saved Mike Garrett’s job in the process. And yet, this year, when things haven’t quite gone as planned for the Trojans, Garrett is nowhere to be found. Interesting.
Bowl Games
Also of note for USC fans last week, the Trojans beat Boston College in the Emerald Bowl. No seriously, they did. What’s that you say? You haven’t heard of the Emerald Bowl? You didn’t realize that they played bowl games before January 1? Ouch.
In related news, UCLA plays in the Eagle Bank Bowl today against Temple. Ouch.
And finally, in honor of the bowl season, the NFL decided to turn some of its Week 16 games into bowl games. Seriously, they gave certain matchups big fancy names and everything. Since I assume most of you didn't see this, here are some of the highlights:
- San Diego Chargers vs. Tennessee Titans: The Sure They Look Good Now, But Wait Till the Chargers Collapse in the Playoffs Like They Do Every Year Bowl
- Buffalo Bills vs. Atlanta Falcons: The Who Would Win in a Fight, O.J. Simpson or Michael Vick? Bowl
- Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New England Patriots: The Yep, the Patriots Are Still Pretty Good Bowl
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints: The Remember That Time We Were 13 and 0? Bowl (Incidentally, Saints fans have no reason to worry. The 1999 Broncos went 13-0, then lost the next two, then won the Super Bowl. I mean, we had John Elway, but still, don’t worry New Orleans, everything will be fine.)
- Detroit Lions vs. San Francisco 49ers: The This Would Have Been a Much Better Game 15 Years Ago Bowl
- New York Jets vs. Indianapolis Colts (sort of): The We Never Cared About 16 and 0 Anyway Bowl
- Seattle Seahawks vs. Green Bay Packers: The I Wish Mike Holmgren Was Still Our Head Coach Bowl
- Oakland Raiders vs. Cleveland Browns: The At Least We’re Not the Rams or the Lions Bowl
- Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins: The Boy, I Sure Hope Mike Shanahan is My Head Coach Next Year Bowl
December 29, 2009
Jim Caldwell Was Right: A Lesson From the 2007 New England Patriots
On Sunday afternoon, up 15-10 over the Jets in the third quarter, Jim Caldwell decided that it was time to pull Peyton Manning and the rest of the Colts' starters because he didn't want to risk injury before the playoffs. This decision angered Peyton Manning, it angered the Colts' hometown fans, and it angered the sports media.
But while Caldwell's decision may not have been the most exciting, and it may not have been the most popular, it was absolutely the right decision. Why? Because in the NFL, 16 and 0 means absolutely nothing, but Super Bowl championships mean absolutely everything.
As proof, let's take a look back at the 2007 New England Patriots - remember them? Like the 2009 Colts, the '07 Patriots started 14-0, and had clinched everything by week 16. But unlike the '09 Colts, the '07 Pats went for perfection, and they got it.
At 16-0, the '07 Pats were the first team since the 1972 Miami Dolphins to complete a perfect regular season, and the first team ever to complete a 16-0 regular season (the NFL expanded the regular season from 14 to 16 games in 1978).
At the time, the sports media couldn't find enough superlatives to describe the 2007 Patriots. Great, awesome, incredible, flawless, unbeatable - they just couldn't put it into words. This was the greatest team anyone had ever seen, and it was only a matter of time until they cemented their place in NFL history.
However, a strange thing happened on the way to the Lombardi Trophy - they lost. They lost to a weaker, less talented New York Giants team in Super Bowl XLII, and the 2007 Patriots finished the year at 18-1. Ouch.
But the interesting thing about that team wasn't just that they lost, it was how they lost. Anyone who watched the '07 Pats in the playoffs could tell that they lacked the fire and explosiveness that had been there all season. In fact, you might argue that the team looked tired.
That tired play continued throughout Super Bowl XLII, and by the time the Patriots realized that it was time to play football, it was too late.
After the game, strange as it may seem, no one seemed to care that the Patriots had gone 16-0 (or even 18-0). No one. After Super Bowl XLII the Patriots were no longer 16-0, they were 18-1. They had failed.
Now, let's bring this back to the 2009 Indianapolis Colts.
Let's say you're Jim Caldwell. You're 14-0. You've got a real shot at perfection, but because you remember the 2007 Patriots, you know that pursuing perfection might cost you the Super Bowl. What do you do?
Well, if you value your job, you do everything you can to help the Colts win the Super Bowl. You have no other option.
With all due respect to Herm Edwards, you don't just play to win the game, you play to win THE GAME. You play to win the Super Bowl. You were hired to win the Super Bowl, eventually you will be fired if you don't win the Super Bowl, so you better do everything in your power every second of every day to help your team win the Super Bowl. Period.
And because Jim Caldwell is an intelligent NFL head coach, he knows this, and he coached accordingly.
Could he have taken the risk and gone for perfection? Certainly. Would that have made for a more exciting game? Absolutely. But would it have increased the likelihood that the Colts win the Super Bowl? Probably not - and that's all that matters.
But while Caldwell's decision may not have been the most exciting, and it may not have been the most popular, it was absolutely the right decision. Why? Because in the NFL, 16 and 0 means absolutely nothing, but Super Bowl championships mean absolutely everything.
As proof, let's take a look back at the 2007 New England Patriots - remember them? Like the 2009 Colts, the '07 Patriots started 14-0, and had clinched everything by week 16. But unlike the '09 Colts, the '07 Pats went for perfection, and they got it.
At 16-0, the '07 Pats were the first team since the 1972 Miami Dolphins to complete a perfect regular season, and the first team ever to complete a 16-0 regular season (the NFL expanded the regular season from 14 to 16 games in 1978).
At the time, the sports media couldn't find enough superlatives to describe the 2007 Patriots. Great, awesome, incredible, flawless, unbeatable - they just couldn't put it into words. This was the greatest team anyone had ever seen, and it was only a matter of time until they cemented their place in NFL history.
However, a strange thing happened on the way to the Lombardi Trophy - they lost. They lost to a weaker, less talented New York Giants team in Super Bowl XLII, and the 2007 Patriots finished the year at 18-1. Ouch.
But the interesting thing about that team wasn't just that they lost, it was how they lost. Anyone who watched the '07 Pats in the playoffs could tell that they lacked the fire and explosiveness that had been there all season. In fact, you might argue that the team looked tired.
That tired play continued throughout Super Bowl XLII, and by the time the Patriots realized that it was time to play football, it was too late.
After the game, strange as it may seem, no one seemed to care that the Patriots had gone 16-0 (or even 18-0). No one. After Super Bowl XLII the Patriots were no longer 16-0, they were 18-1. They had failed.
Now, let's bring this back to the 2009 Indianapolis Colts.
Let's say you're Jim Caldwell. You're 14-0. You've got a real shot at perfection, but because you remember the 2007 Patriots, you know that pursuing perfection might cost you the Super Bowl. What do you do?
Well, if you value your job, you do everything you can to help the Colts win the Super Bowl. You have no other option.
With all due respect to Herm Edwards, you don't just play to win the game, you play to win THE GAME. You play to win the Super Bowl. You were hired to win the Super Bowl, eventually you will be fired if you don't win the Super Bowl, so you better do everything in your power every second of every day to help your team win the Super Bowl. Period.
And because Jim Caldwell is an intelligent NFL head coach, he knows this, and he coached accordingly.
Could he have taken the risk and gone for perfection? Certainly. Would that have made for a more exciting game? Absolutely. But would it have increased the likelihood that the Colts win the Super Bowl? Probably not - and that's all that matters.
December 21, 2009
I Had Sex With Tiger Woods
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not something I’m proud of, and it may ruin my dream of one day becoming Commissioner of the PGA Tour, but I have to get this off my chest:
I had sex with Tiger Woods.
I know that may be hard for some of you to hear, but it’s true. Tiger and I got…it…ON.
But before you all jump on your high horses and judge me for my indiscretions, allow me to explain: I did it for the money. With the job market being what it is, and with student loans and credit card bills piling up, this seemed like the easiest, fastest way to bring home the bacon. I mean, TMZ offered me loads of cash to come clean about the affair even before it happened, and three different publishing companies contacted me about a tell-all book. (For those interested, “My Tiger” hit stores this week and makes the perfect last-minute Christmas gift.)
So, after weighing all of the options, I did it. Or rather, we did it. And then we did it again. And again. And again. And then, just to make sure that I had enough details to fill the book, we did it one more time.
When the affair began, I really thought that I was the only one. Tiger told me that I was different – that I was special. He said that I wasn’t like the other women he had been with (probably because I am a man), that his marriage was on the rocks, and that nothing made him happier than the time we spent together. There were text messages, voicemails, and little love notes taped to his fairway woods; but I know now that it was all a lie.
And so, several months later, now that all of the checks have cleared and the book is available online and at all major bookstores, I would like to issue some apologies. I realize that I have hurt and embarrassed a lot of people, and for that I am truly sorry.
First, I want to apologize to Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren. Elin, please know that I am so sorry for any pain that I may have caused and that none of this was intentional. Well actually, to be clear, the pain wasn’t intentional, but the sex definitely was. I guess sometimes a man just needs to feel the touch of another man – sorry about that. But hey, look on the bright side – at least I’m not another stripper or porn star, right?
Also Elin, I know that you have two kids and two dogs, so I am sorry if this messes up their lives at all. I was a kid once, so I feel like I can relate to what Sam and Charlie must be going through. I mean, my parents never cheated on each other or went through a highly publicized divorce or anything like that, but still, I feel like I can relate, and I know it must be tough. And while I have never been a dog, I bet this can’t be easy on Taz or Yogi either. So yeah, I’m sorry.
Next, I’d like to apologize to my friends and family. I know it won’t be easy to hear the insults, jokes, and ridicule that will come my way in the coming days, weeks, and months, but please try to remain strong. No one wants to watch someone they love go through something like this, but remember, I am being paid lots and lots of money to take this abuse, so I’ll be fine.
And finally, I’d like to say a quick word to all of the young people out there. I know that many of you looked up to Tiger Woods, but honestly, I am the real hero here. In fact, one of the reasons I did this was to show all of you that dreams can come true, and that you too can one day make it big. You just need to find a high-profile celebrity, work your way into his pants, and the rest will take care of itself.
And so, at the end of the day, while it’s easy to get caught up in questions like Why did I do it?, Do I regret it?, Am I making the whole thing up?, and Boxers or briefs?, I think it’s important that we remain focused on what actually matters here: that I have come clean, that I have admitted my indiscretions, and that you can still pick a copy of “My Tiger” at a bookstore near you.
I had sex with Tiger Woods.
I know that may be hard for some of you to hear, but it’s true. Tiger and I got…it…ON.
But before you all jump on your high horses and judge me for my indiscretions, allow me to explain: I did it for the money. With the job market being what it is, and with student loans and credit card bills piling up, this seemed like the easiest, fastest way to bring home the bacon. I mean, TMZ offered me loads of cash to come clean about the affair even before it happened, and three different publishing companies contacted me about a tell-all book. (For those interested, “My Tiger” hit stores this week and makes the perfect last-minute Christmas gift.)
So, after weighing all of the options, I did it. Or rather, we did it. And then we did it again. And again. And again. And then, just to make sure that I had enough details to fill the book, we did it one more time.
When the affair began, I really thought that I was the only one. Tiger told me that I was different – that I was special. He said that I wasn’t like the other women he had been with (probably because I am a man), that his marriage was on the rocks, and that nothing made him happier than the time we spent together. There were text messages, voicemails, and little love notes taped to his fairway woods; but I know now that it was all a lie.
And so, several months later, now that all of the checks have cleared and the book is available online and at all major bookstores, I would like to issue some apologies. I realize that I have hurt and embarrassed a lot of people, and for that I am truly sorry.
First, I want to apologize to Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren. Elin, please know that I am so sorry for any pain that I may have caused and that none of this was intentional. Well actually, to be clear, the pain wasn’t intentional, but the sex definitely was. I guess sometimes a man just needs to feel the touch of another man – sorry about that. But hey, look on the bright side – at least I’m not another stripper or porn star, right?
Also Elin, I know that you have two kids and two dogs, so I am sorry if this messes up their lives at all. I was a kid once, so I feel like I can relate to what Sam and Charlie must be going through. I mean, my parents never cheated on each other or went through a highly publicized divorce or anything like that, but still, I feel like I can relate, and I know it must be tough. And while I have never been a dog, I bet this can’t be easy on Taz or Yogi either. So yeah, I’m sorry.
Next, I’d like to apologize to my friends and family. I know it won’t be easy to hear the insults, jokes, and ridicule that will come my way in the coming days, weeks, and months, but please try to remain strong. No one wants to watch someone they love go through something like this, but remember, I am being paid lots and lots of money to take this abuse, so I’ll be fine.
And finally, I’d like to say a quick word to all of the young people out there. I know that many of you looked up to Tiger Woods, but honestly, I am the real hero here. In fact, one of the reasons I did this was to show all of you that dreams can come true, and that you too can one day make it big. You just need to find a high-profile celebrity, work your way into his pants, and the rest will take care of itself.
And so, at the end of the day, while it’s easy to get caught up in questions like Why did I do it?, Do I regret it?, Am I making the whole thing up?, and Boxers or briefs?, I think it’s important that we remain focused on what actually matters here: that I have come clean, that I have admitted my indiscretions, and that you can still pick a copy of “My Tiger” at a bookstore near you.
Your 2009 NL Manager of the Year
Editor's Note: This column appeared on the Huffington Post's sports page on Nov. 16, 2009.
Major League Baseball will announce its 2009 National League Manager of the Year on Wednesday, and the way I see it, the only way Jim Tracy doesn't walk away with the award is if Clint Hurdle gets to cast all 32 votes. Of course, after Tracy is presented with the award, he will probably make some brief remarks to the media in which he will do what every other manager always does in his position -- he'll give all the credit to his players. "I couldn't have done it without them," he'll say. "A manager can only take the team so far," he'll say. "At the end of the day, it's up to the players to execute," he'll say.
But why? Why defer all of the attention to your players? I mean the fact of the matter is that next year, or the year after that, or whenever it is that the Rockies eventually go colder than Denver in January, Jim Tracy is the one that will take the blame, and Jim Tracy is the one that will be fired. So on Wednesday, if Jim Tracy gets the opportunity to bask in the glory of an inexplicably superb managerial season, why shouldn't he take some credit for what he's done? I'd say he's earned it.
To help make this easier for Jim, I decided to draft some remarks for him to use on Wednesday if things go well. After all, Jim Tracy may not be as good at self-promotion as I am (see the previous paragraph where I hyperlinked to one of my own posts), so I thought it would be nice to help him out.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2009 National League Manager of the Year, Mr. Jim Tracy:
Thank you, thank you very much. It's truly an honor to receive this award. On this special occasion, I'd like to say a few words to all of the people that helped make this day possible.
First, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank myself for kicking some serious ass this year. Seriously Jim, congratulations on a job well done. Not a chance LaRussa or Torre could have done what you did this year. You rule.
Next, some words for my team: Guys, when I first took over as your manager six months ago, you were awful. I mean aw-ful. Seriously, you guys couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Even the Nationals were starting to look like an upgrade.
Sure, you were a talented group of guys just two years removed from a World Series appearance, but since that World Series you guys were a collective 24 games under .500, so clearly you weren't that good, right? And it's not like that Hurdle fella was doing you any favors either. I mean, Clint Hurdle was so bad that he literally made me look like the Manager of the Year by comparison. Wow.
But of course, everything changed once Jim Tracy came to town. A 74-42 record, a wild card berth, and an NLDS run that gave the eventual National League Champion Phillies all they could handle. You think you guys could have done all of that without me? Not a chance.
Third, I'd like to send a shout out to the Rockies' General Manager, Mr. Dan O'Dowd. Hey Dan, remember that time I single-handedly resurrected the Rockies' season and totally saved your job in the process? 'Cause I do. I'm not gonna say you owe me one buddy, but let's just say that we've got a long Colorado winter ahead, and my driveway ain't gonna shovel itself. You feel me?
Also, to the Rockies' brass that hired me assuming I would be a complete failure and allow them to start fresh with a new manager and GM in 2010, I'd like to say the following:
2009 MANAGER OF THE YEAR MOTHER F&@%ERS!! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?
Seriously though, I'm sorry I spoiled that one for you guys. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but as it turns out, the ol' Jimster is quite the manager.
And to the fans: thank you for believing. I couldn't have done it without all of your support. Well actually, to be more accurate, I couldn't have done it without all of your money. The gobs of cash you poured into this team over the past few years will eventually go to pay the exorbitant salary I will no doubt receive after the Rockies are forced to give me a contract extension, so I really appreciate the help. Two words fans: Ca. Ching.
And finally, in closing, I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge all of the other National League managers that were up for this award. Congrats on a great season you guys. Unfortunately, you were just up against some impossible competition -- namely, me. But hey, there's always next year, right?
Again, thank you all so very much for this humbling award. God bless you, God bless America, and most importantly, God bless Jim Tracy.
Major League Baseball will announce its 2009 National League Manager of the Year on Wednesday, and the way I see it, the only way Jim Tracy doesn't walk away with the award is if Clint Hurdle gets to cast all 32 votes. Of course, after Tracy is presented with the award, he will probably make some brief remarks to the media in which he will do what every other manager always does in his position -- he'll give all the credit to his players. "I couldn't have done it without them," he'll say. "A manager can only take the team so far," he'll say. "At the end of the day, it's up to the players to execute," he'll say.
But why? Why defer all of the attention to your players? I mean the fact of the matter is that next year, or the year after that, or whenever it is that the Rockies eventually go colder than Denver in January, Jim Tracy is the one that will take the blame, and Jim Tracy is the one that will be fired. So on Wednesday, if Jim Tracy gets the opportunity to bask in the glory of an inexplicably superb managerial season, why shouldn't he take some credit for what he's done? I'd say he's earned it.
To help make this easier for Jim, I decided to draft some remarks for him to use on Wednesday if things go well. After all, Jim Tracy may not be as good at self-promotion as I am (see the previous paragraph where I hyperlinked to one of my own posts), so I thought it would be nice to help him out.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2009 National League Manager of the Year, Mr. Jim Tracy:
Thank you, thank you very much. It's truly an honor to receive this award. On this special occasion, I'd like to say a few words to all of the people that helped make this day possible.
First, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank myself for kicking some serious ass this year. Seriously Jim, congratulations on a job well done. Not a chance LaRussa or Torre could have done what you did this year. You rule.
Next, some words for my team: Guys, when I first took over as your manager six months ago, you were awful. I mean aw-ful. Seriously, you guys couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Even the Nationals were starting to look like an upgrade.
Sure, you were a talented group of guys just two years removed from a World Series appearance, but since that World Series you guys were a collective 24 games under .500, so clearly you weren't that good, right? And it's not like that Hurdle fella was doing you any favors either. I mean, Clint Hurdle was so bad that he literally made me look like the Manager of the Year by comparison. Wow.
But of course, everything changed once Jim Tracy came to town. A 74-42 record, a wild card berth, and an NLDS run that gave the eventual National League Champion Phillies all they could handle. You think you guys could have done all of that without me? Not a chance.
Third, I'd like to send a shout out to the Rockies' General Manager, Mr. Dan O'Dowd. Hey Dan, remember that time I single-handedly resurrected the Rockies' season and totally saved your job in the process? 'Cause I do. I'm not gonna say you owe me one buddy, but let's just say that we've got a long Colorado winter ahead, and my driveway ain't gonna shovel itself. You feel me?
Also, to the Rockies' brass that hired me assuming I would be a complete failure and allow them to start fresh with a new manager and GM in 2010, I'd like to say the following:
2009 MANAGER OF THE YEAR MOTHER F&@%ERS!! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?
Seriously though, I'm sorry I spoiled that one for you guys. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but as it turns out, the ol' Jimster is quite the manager.
And to the fans: thank you for believing. I couldn't have done it without all of your support. Well actually, to be more accurate, I couldn't have done it without all of your money. The gobs of cash you poured into this team over the past few years will eventually go to pay the exorbitant salary I will no doubt receive after the Rockies are forced to give me a contract extension, so I really appreciate the help. Two words fans: Ca. Ching.
And finally, in closing, I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge all of the other National League managers that were up for this award. Congrats on a great season you guys. Unfortunately, you were just up against some impossible competition -- namely, me. But hey, there's always next year, right?
Again, thank you all so very much for this humbling award. God bless you, God bless America, and most importantly, God bless Jim Tracy.
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