December 29, 2009

Views From the Cheap Seats

Some thoughts on a few of last week’s events in the world of sports:

Urban Meyer

Obviously this is where I’m going to start. For those who might have been doing Christmassy things last weekend instead of watching ESPN, on Saturday night Urban Meyer announced that, after the University of Florida’s upcoming Sugar Bowl appearance on Friday, he would no longer be the head football coach at UF. Then, on Sunday, he changed his mind.

On Saturday night (when Meyer was still leaving), my first thought was that he had had an affair. With Tim Tebow. And of course the report that Urban Meyer was resigning because of a heart muscle defect only added fuel to my fire. Seriously, do you have any idea how many times I made the “Tim Tebow leaving Florida literally broke Urban Meyer’s heart” joke on Saturday night?

After I settled down, I started to think about who might replace Meyer. Names I assumed I would hear in the coming week as potential candidates: Bob Stoops, Jon Gruden, Mike Shanahan, Steve Spurier, Dan Mullen, and Charlie Strong. The name I was 100% sure I would not hear in the coming week: Charlie Weiss.

All of this speculation proved moot, however, when Urban Meyer gave us his best Brett Favre impersonation Sunday afternoon. It’s not exactly clear what Urban Meyer’s plans are now, but until he makes another announcement, we can undoubtedly look forward to countless hours of analysis from Lou Holtz. Awesome.

Da Bulls

Last week the Chicago Bulls blew a 35-point third-quarter lead to the Sacramento Kings, ultimately losing the game by 4 points. The next day, the PTI boys debated whether Vinny Del Negro should be fired for the loss (and because his team is lousy). And while I have the utmost respect for Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon, the implication that a coach should be blamed for a group of professional basketball players blowing a lead that huge is absurd. I understand that in today’s win-or-go-home sports world everybody blames the coaches for everything, but at some point we have to place some of the blame on the players, right? These are professional athletes. If they can’t play hard enough to hold on to a 35-point lead over the Sacramento Kings, then they have much bigger problems than the coach.

Ohio State West

I have made no secret of my dislike for all things Pete Carroll, but amid all of the controversy surrounding the latest USC football scandal, T.J. Simers raised a good question last week: Where has USC’s athletic director Mike Garrett been in all of this? As much as I like to watch Pete Carroll suffer, I can admit that the man has single-handedly returned USC to national prominence and, as Simers points out, probably saved Mike Garrett’s job in the process. And yet, this year, when things haven’t quite gone as planned for the Trojans, Garrett is nowhere to be found. Interesting.

Bowl Games

Also of note for USC fans last week, the Trojans beat Boston College in the Emerald Bowl. No seriously, they did. What’s that you say? You haven’t heard of the Emerald Bowl? You didn’t realize that they played bowl games before January 1? Ouch.

In related news, UCLA plays in the Eagle Bank Bowl today against Temple. Ouch.

And finally, in honor of the bowl season, the NFL decided to turn some of its Week 16 games into bowl games. Seriously, they gave certain matchups big fancy names and everything. Since I assume most of you didn't see this, here are some of the highlights:

- San Diego Chargers vs. Tennessee Titans: The Sure They Look Good Now, But Wait Till the Chargers Collapse in the Playoffs Like They Do Every Year Bowl

- Buffalo Bills vs. Atlanta Falcons: The Who Would Win in a Fight, O.J. Simpson or Michael Vick? Bowl

- Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New England Patriots: The Yep, the Patriots Are Still Pretty Good Bowl

- Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints: The Remember That Time We Were 13 and 0? Bowl (Incidentally, Saints fans have no reason to worry. The 1999 Broncos went 13-0, then lost the next two, then won the Super Bowl. I mean, we had John Elway, but still, don’t worry New Orleans, everything will be fine.)

- Detroit Lions vs. San Francisco 49ers: The This Would Have Been a Much Better Game 15 Years Ago Bowl

- New York Jets vs. Indianapolis Colts (sort of): The We Never Cared About 16 and 0 Anyway Bowl

- Seattle Seahawks vs. Green Bay Packers: The I Wish Mike Holmgren Was Still Our Head Coach Bowl

- Oakland Raiders vs. Cleveland Browns: The At Least We’re Not the Rams or the Lions Bowl

- Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins: The Boy, I Sure Hope Mike Shanahan is My Head Coach Next Year Bowl

Jim Caldwell Was Right: A Lesson From the 2007 New England Patriots

On Sunday afternoon, up 15-10 over the Jets in the third quarter, Jim Caldwell decided that it was time to pull Peyton Manning and the rest of the Colts' starters because he didn't want to risk injury before the playoffs. This decision angered Peyton Manning, it angered the Colts' hometown fans, and it angered the sports media.

But while Caldwell's decision may not have been the most exciting, and it may not have been the most popular, it was absolutely the right decision. Why? Because in the NFL, 16 and 0 means absolutely nothing, but Super Bowl championships mean absolutely everything.

As proof, let's take a look back at the 2007 New England Patriots - remember them? Like the 2009 Colts, the '07 Patriots started 14-0, and had clinched everything by week 16. But unlike the '09 Colts, the '07 Pats went for perfection, and they got it.

At 16-0, the '07 Pats were the first team since the 1972 Miami Dolphins to complete a perfect regular season, and the first team ever to complete a 16-0 regular season (the NFL expanded the regular season from 14 to 16 games in 1978).

At the time, the sports media couldn't find enough superlatives to describe the 2007 Patriots. Great, awesome, incredible, flawless, unbeatable - they just couldn't put it into words. This was the greatest team anyone had ever seen, and it was only a matter of time until they cemented their place in NFL history.

However, a strange thing happened on the way to the Lombardi Trophy - they lost. They lost to a weaker, less talented New York Giants team in Super Bowl XLII, and the 2007 Patriots finished the year at 18-1. Ouch.

But the interesting thing about that team wasn't just that they lost, it was how they lost. Anyone who watched the '07 Pats in the playoffs could tell that they lacked the fire and explosiveness that had been there all season. In fact, you might argue that the team looked tired.

That tired play continued throughout Super Bowl XLII, and by the time the Patriots realized that it was time to play football, it was too late.

After the game, strange as it may seem, no one seemed to care that the Patriots had gone 16-0 (or even 18-0). No one. After Super Bowl XLII the Patriots were no longer 16-0, they were 18-1. They had failed.

Now, let's bring this back to the 2009 Indianapolis Colts.

Let's say you're Jim Caldwell. You're 14-0. You've got a real shot at perfection, but because you remember the 2007 Patriots, you know that pursuing perfection might cost you the Super Bowl. What do you do?

Well, if you value your job, you do everything you can to help the Colts win the Super Bowl. You have no other option.

With all due respect to Herm Edwards, you don't just play to win the game, you play to win THE GAME. You play to win the Super Bowl. You were hired to win the Super Bowl, eventually you will be fired if you don't win the Super Bowl, so you better do everything in your power every second of every day to help your team win the Super Bowl. Period.

And because Jim Caldwell is an intelligent NFL head coach, he knows this, and he coached accordingly.

Could he have taken the risk and gone for perfection? Certainly. Would that have made for a more exciting game? Absolutely. But would it have increased the likelihood that the Colts win the Super Bowl? Probably not - and that's all that matters.

December 21, 2009

I Had Sex With Tiger Woods

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not something I’m proud of, and it may ruin my dream of one day becoming Commissioner of the PGA Tour, but I have to get this off my chest:

I had sex with Tiger Woods.

I know that may be hard for some of you to hear, but it’s true. Tiger and I got…it…ON.

But before you all jump on your high horses and judge me for my indiscretions, allow me to explain: I did it for the money. With the job market being what it is, and with student loans and credit card bills piling up, this seemed like the easiest, fastest way to bring home the bacon. I mean, TMZ offered me loads of cash to come clean about the affair even before it happened, and three different publishing companies contacted me about a tell-all book. (For those interested, “My Tiger” hit stores this week and makes the perfect last-minute Christmas gift.)

So, after weighing all of the options, I did it. Or rather, we did it. And then we did it again. And again. And again. And then, just to make sure that I had enough details to fill the book, we did it one more time.

When the affair began, I really thought that I was the only one. Tiger told me that I was different – that I was special. He said that I wasn’t like the other women he had been with (probably because I am a man), that his marriage was on the rocks, and that nothing made him happier than the time we spent together. There were text messages, voicemails, and little love notes taped to his fairway woods; but I know now that it was all a lie.

And so, several months later, now that all of the checks have cleared and the book is available online and at all major bookstores, I would like to issue some apologies. I realize that I have hurt and embarrassed a lot of people, and for that I am truly sorry.

First, I want to apologize to Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren. Elin, please know that I am so sorry for any pain that I may have caused and that none of this was intentional. Well actually, to be clear, the pain wasn’t intentional, but the sex definitely was. I guess sometimes a man just needs to feel the touch of another man – sorry about that. But hey, look on the bright side – at least I’m not another stripper or porn star, right?

Also Elin, I know that you have two kids and two dogs, so I am sorry if this messes up their lives at all. I was a kid once, so I feel like I can relate to what Sam and Charlie must be going through. I mean, my parents never cheated on each other or went through a highly publicized divorce or anything like that, but still, I feel like I can relate, and I know it must be tough. And while I have never been a dog, I bet this can’t be easy on Taz or Yogi either. So yeah, I’m sorry.

Next, I’d like to apologize to my friends and family. I know it won’t be easy to hear the insults, jokes, and ridicule that will come my way in the coming days, weeks, and months, but please try to remain strong. No one wants to watch someone they love go through something like this, but remember, I am being paid lots and lots of money to take this abuse, so I’ll be fine.

And finally, I’d like to say a quick word to all of the young people out there. I know that many of you looked up to Tiger Woods, but honestly, I am the real hero here. In fact, one of the reasons I did this was to show all of you that dreams can come true, and that you too can one day make it big. You just need to find a high-profile celebrity, work your way into his pants, and the rest will take care of itself.

And so, at the end of the day, while it’s easy to get caught up in questions like Why did I do it?, Do I regret it?, Am I making the whole thing up?, and Boxers or briefs?, I think it’s important that we remain focused on what actually matters here: that I have come clean, that I have admitted my indiscretions, and that you can still pick a copy of “My Tiger” at a bookstore near you.

Your 2009 NL Manager of the Year

Editor's Note: This column appeared on the Huffington Post's sports page on Nov. 16, 2009.


Major League Baseball will announce its 2009 National League Manager of the Year on Wednesday, and the way I see it, the only way Jim Tracy doesn't walk away with the award is if Clint Hurdle gets to cast all 32 votes. Of course, after Tracy is presented with the award, he will probably make some brief remarks to the media in which he will do what every other manager always does in his position -- he'll give all the credit to his players. "I couldn't have done it without them," he'll say. "A manager can only take the team so far," he'll say. "At the end of the day, it's up to the players to execute," he'll say.

But why? Why defer all of the attention to your players? I mean the fact of the matter is that next year, or the year after that, or whenever it is that the Rockies eventually go colder than Denver in January, Jim Tracy is the one that will take the blame, and Jim Tracy is the one that will be fired. So on Wednesday, if Jim Tracy gets the opportunity to bask in the glory of an inexplicably superb managerial season, why shouldn't he take some credit for what he's done? I'd say he's earned it.

To help make this easier for Jim, I decided to draft some remarks for him to use on Wednesday if things go well. After all, Jim Tracy may not be as good at self-promotion as I am (see the previous paragraph where I hyperlinked to one of my own posts), so I thought it would be nice to help him out.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2009 National League Manager of the Year, Mr. Jim Tracy:

Thank you, thank you very much. It's truly an honor to receive this award. On this special occasion, I'd like to say a few words to all of the people that helped make this day possible.

First, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank myself for kicking some serious ass this year. Seriously Jim, congratulations on a job well done. Not a chance LaRussa or Torre could have done what you did this year. You rule.

Next, some words for my team: Guys, when I first took over as your manager six months ago, you were awful. I mean aw-ful. Seriously, you guys couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Even the Nationals were starting to look like an upgrade.

Sure, you were a talented group of guys just two years removed from a World Series appearance, but since that World Series you guys were a collective 24 games under .500, so clearly you weren't that good, right? And it's not like that Hurdle fella was doing you any favors either. I mean, Clint Hurdle was so bad that he literally made me look like the Manager of the Year by comparison. Wow.

But of course, everything changed once Jim Tracy came to town. A 74-42 record, a wild card berth, and an NLDS run that gave the eventual National League Champion Phillies all they could handle. You think you guys could have done all of that without me? Not a chance.

Third, I'd like to send a shout out to the Rockies' General Manager, Mr. Dan O'Dowd. Hey Dan, remember that time I single-handedly resurrected the Rockies' season and totally saved your job in the process? 'Cause I do. I'm not gonna say you owe me one buddy, but let's just say that we've got a long Colorado winter ahead, and my driveway ain't gonna shovel itself. You feel me?

Also, to the Rockies' brass that hired me assuming I would be a complete failure and allow them to start fresh with a new manager and GM in 2010, I'd like to say the following:

2009 MANAGER OF THE YEAR MOTHER F&@%ERS!! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?

Seriously though, I'm sorry I spoiled that one for you guys. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but as it turns out, the ol' Jimster is quite the manager.

And to the fans: thank you for believing. I couldn't have done it without all of your support. Well actually, to be more accurate, I couldn't have done it without all of your money. The gobs of cash you poured into this team over the past few years will eventually go to pay the exorbitant salary I will no doubt receive after the Rockies are forced to give me a contract extension, so I really appreciate the help. Two words fans: Ca. Ching.

And finally, in closing, I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge all of the other National League managers that were up for this award. Congrats on a great season you guys. Unfortunately, you were just up against some impossible competition -- namely, me. But hey, there's always next year, right?

Again, thank you all so very much for this humbling award. God bless you, God bless America, and most importantly, God bless Jim Tracy.

November 15, 2009

Views From the Cheap Seats

Some thoughts on a few of the goings on in the world of sports over the past week:

Up and Down in Denver

It was a bit of an up-and-down week for Broncos fans. The good news was that on Thursday night, Jay Cutler threw 5 interceptions en route to a 10-6 loss to the San Francisco 49ers. The better news was that, two days later, when I clicked into the ESPN ScoreCenter, the following message popped up: "Did you know that Jay Cutler is on pace to throw 30 picks this season?" I stared at that message and smiled for a good 45 seconds. 30 picks! That’s awesome!

The bad news, however, was that on Sunday the Broncos lost a football game to the Washington Redskins. Yes, those Washington Redskins. And because Kyle Orton added injury to insult, Chris Simms may be our quarterback next week when we play the San Diego Chargers with first place in the AFC West on the line.

So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.

The Comeback Kid

Last Wednesday baseball fans everywhere received good news when the Seattle Mariners announced that Ken Griffey Jr. will return for the 2010 campaign. He won’t make much money, and he may not get much playing time, but The Kid loves the game too much to stay away, and he wants one more shot at a title.

And while we’re talking about the star of the 1989 Upper Deck baseball card set, let me say this: As we begin to sort out the mess that is/was baseball’s steroids era, I am convinced that no one will come out looking better than Junior. He is one of a handful of players that is basically beyond reproach when it comes to steroids. No one, and I mean no one, has ever seriously accused him of juicing. And, despite several injury-plagued seasons in the prime of his career, Griffey still put up astronomical numbers, and became only the fourth man without testicular shrinkage to hit 600 homeruns. So when baseball historians look for the superstar of the steroids generation, this is the guy they’re going to pick. Congratulations Junior, it’s a pleasure to have you back.

Another Arrest Michael?

Mike Tyson was arrested again this week after allegedly scuffling with a paparazzi photographer at LAX. Now I understand that no one in their right mind would ever side with a paparazzi photographer, but Mike Tyson needs another run-in with the law about as much as he needs another tattoo on his face. To borrow an old Chris Rock joke: “Another arrest Michael? Another arrest? That’s like another dead white girl at OJ’s house.”

And You Thought Your Week Was Bad

Back in the bad news department, it was a tough week to be a Tennessee football fan. Not only did Tennessee get trounced by Ole Miss on Saturday, but earlier in the week, three of their football players were arrested in Knoxville and charged with attempted armed robbery.

Then again, what did they expect from a program run by a man whose last college coaching job was at the University of Southern California? I mean, I’m not saying that USC is a dirty football program, but let’s just say that . . . well, actually, that’s exactly what I’m saying. USC is the dirtiest sports programs this side of Ohio State and everybody knows it. So seriously, what did Tennessee expect?

And by the way, in case you’re wondering if the only reason I mentioned this Tennessee story was to give myself an opportunity to take a jab at USC, the answer is 100% yes. In reality, I don’t have anything against Lane Kiffin, nor do I have any reason to believe that he runs a dirty football program. You know, except for the fact that he used to coach at USC.

October 27, 2009

Thoughts From the Bye Week

With the Broncos enjoying a much-deserved bye last week, I had a chance to reflect on the Broncos’ season. You know, where we’ve been, where we’re going, and how it is that anyone ever allowed a professional football team to wear those uniforms in public. And as a bonus, I also had some time to check in on other goings on in Denver and around the NFL. So in honor of Week 7 (and of course, John Elway), I give you my 7 thoughts from Week 7:

1.
I think last week’s ESPN Power Rankings said it best: “This is a very well-balanced team that doesn’t beat itself and has maximized its personnel. That is awfully good coaching.” Isn’t it though? Think about it, when was the last time you remember someone using words like that to describe the Broncos? Come to think of it, can you ever remember someone using words like that to describe the Broncos? We all know that I wasn’t exactly the biggest Josh McDaniels fan in the offseason, but he has been incredible. After the tumultuous offseason, McDaniels had to put up some big wins early, but no one expected this. His star quarterback is playing like a talented version of Kyle Orton, his star wide receiver has suddenly become Brandon “We Are” Marshall, and oh by the way, McDaniels hasn’t lost a game yet. So yeah, I’m impressed.

2. The perfect season. 16 and 0. Ok, so maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. But as I look at the rest of the Broncos schedule, I think to myself, why not? You know, other than because they need to beat the Ravens, Colts, and Eagles on the road, not to mention the Steelers and Giants at home. But other than that, why not? I bet you didn’t think they’d be 6 and 0 either, right? Or that Kyle Orton would have only one interception through the first six games? Or that the Broncos would have the number one scoring defense in football? I’m just saying, it could happen.

3. Sorry, but I’m still not over the uniforms. Yes the away jerseys they wore in San Diego were better, but still. It’s one thing to embarrass yourselves for one week to honor the ghosts of Broncos past, but week after week after week? We’re sure this is necessary? There have to be other options. For example, why can’t we just honor all the living AFL Broncos at halftime during a home game? Wouldn’t that be a lot more fun, not to mention easier on the eyes? Or better yet, why not just wear the old orange jerseys instead? Would anyone notice? And even if they did, would they say anything? My point is, there has to be another way.

4. And speaking of former Broncos, last week was a big week for two of the greatest Broncos of all time. John Elway was named Man of the Year by the Walter Camp Football Foundation, and Shannon Sharpe was selected as this year’s sole inductee into the Division II Football Hall of Fame. I’m not sure what any of that means, but it does give me the opportunity to say this: Remember that time the Broncos won back to back Super Bowls in the 90s? Yeah, me too. That was awesome.

5. And speaking of awesome, is there any sports team in the world right now in worse shape than the Oakland Raiders? I know there are teams with more losses (the Rams and Titans come to mind), but over the last several years, has any organization looked worse top to bottom than the Raiders? Seriously, they have redefined the word dysfunction each of the last few years, and there are no signs of improvement. None. Between Tom Cable assaulting his assistant coach (I’m sorry, allegedly assaulting his assistant coach), Darren McFadden running the ball only slightly better than I am this season, and JaMarcus Russell playing quarterback (I’m sorry, allegedly playing quarterback), watching the Raiders lose has become almost as much fun as watching the Broncos win.

6.
Since the Broncos were off this week and the Nuggets have already qualified for the NBA playoffs (that’s how it works in the NBA, right? As long as you field a team, you make the playoffs?), I decided to check in on the Avs. As it turns out, they are 8 and 1. And 2. Now I don’t really understand hockey (I think it’s the language barrier), but apparently this means that they have won 8 games, lost 1 game, and kinda lost 2 other games. I mean, they didn’t really lose those games, but they didn’t really win them either. I guess. I don’t really know. But hey, Go Avs!

7. In honor of John Elway, thought number 7 has been retired. It will never be thought by anyone to think for the Denver Broncos ever again. Thanks John, you were the best.

8. And finally, this week has reminded me of one very important thing: I hate bye weeks. Seriously, they drive me crazy. Like literally crazy. I mean for God sakes, I just retired a thought. Who does that? Also, in case you missed it, earlier I predicted that the Broncos would finish the regular season 16 and 0. So yeah, I’m pretty happy the bye week is over.

And so, with 7 thoughts from the 7th week of the NFL season, I bid you adieu. Here’s hoping we meet again next week to discuss another number 7: 7 and 0.

October 25, 2009

Blame the Mustache

Ever since the Phillies ended the Dodgers’ season last week, I’ve been doing what any other red-blooded American would do in my situation: I’ve been looking for someone to blame. And given the way the Dodgers performed in the NLCS, there were plenty of potential candidates. I could have blamed Clayton Kershaw or George Sherrill for Game 1, I could have blamed Hiroki Kuroda (or Joe Torre) for Game 3, I could have blamed Jonathan Broxton for Game 4, and I could have blamed the entire Dodgers’ lineup for Games 1-5. All good possibilities.

But at the end of the day, despite all of the inept performances by the Boys in Blue, I kept coming back to one inescapable conclusion: The Dodgers just didn’t have enough talent to win. Period. I don’t mean that the Phillies played better for five games, I mean that the Phillies just were better.

Now as we all know, when the players don’t play well enough to win, they get the blame. They get shellacked in the newspapers, criticized on TV, and booed in their home ballparks. And when the manager doesn’t manage well enough to win, making bad decisions in crucial situations, he gets the lions share of the blame (can you say Jim Tracy?). But when the team just doesn’t have enough talent to beat the team in the other dugout, there are only two options: the general manager and the owner. And since the Dodgers’ owner has enough problems these days, I’m blaming the GM.

Sorry mustache fans, but Ned Colletti is the biggest reason why the Dodgers will be watching the World Series at home for the 21st consecutive season.

For the record, I am a Ned Colletti fan. No really, I am. Other than the Jason Schmidt debacle, I think he’s done a great job with the Dodgers, and I honestly don’t think the Dodgers even sniff the NLCS without him. But in 2009, Colletti dropped the ball. Big time.

You see, from the second the Dodgers’ season ended in 2008, it was clear that their starting pitching would be their biggest weakness in 2009. With Derek Lowe and Brad Penny on their way out, there were now gaping holes in the starting rotation that Ned Colletti needed to fill. But Colletti whiffed on C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett during the offseason, instead signing Randy Wolf and pretending that would be enough.

So when the 2009 season began, the Dodgers’ rotation was still their biggest question mark. And despite having the best record in baseball at the all-star break, it still didn’t look like the Dodgers had enough pitching to win in October.

But then, like a gift out of the clear Dodger Blue sky, we learned that both Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee were on the market. Perfect! The Dodgers were just one ace away from a championship caliber team, and now there was not one but two aces on the market! This was our year!

Or not.

As we all know, Colletti couldn’t pull the trigger on either deal, and we got George Sherrill instead. So just to summarize, C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Roy Halladay, and Cliff Lee were available, and we got Randy Wolf and George Sherrill. Awesome.

So what happened? What’s the excuse? Why the lack of talent? Well, from everything I’ve heard and read, Colletti thought they were all too expensive. The Dodgers wouldn’t cough up enough money for Sabathia and Burnett, and they wouldn’t give up the prospects necessary to get Halladay and Lee.

I’m sorry, what??

Too expensive?? Really?? We’re sure about that? More expensive than entering October without enough pitching to win? More expensive than being dominated by the Phillies for a second consecutive year? More expensive than yet another year without a championship for one of baseball’s most storied franchises? Really??

I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy it. When four pitchers of that quality are available, you have to find a way to get at least one. You just do.

So no, I don’t accept “But the Blue Jays and Indians wanted too many prospects for Halladay and Lee” as an excuse. To me, Colletti’s 0 for 4 is inexcusable. As Bill Plaschke put it after watching Cliff Lee dominate the Dodgers in Game 2: “I would have liked to see those Dodgers prospects whom they liked more than Cliff Lee.”

Me too Bill, me too.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why we like prospects. Prospects turn into Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, James Loney, and Clayton Kershaw. Prospects build dynasties. I get it. But here’s the thing: in the sports world of 2009, there is no next year. And in the Dodgers’ world of 2009 where Manny Ramirez, Rafael Furcal, and Casey Blake were getting older by the day, and where Joe Torre was one step away from retirement, we were lucky there was even a next week. So as GM of the Dodgers in 2009, Ned Colletti’s job was to give the Dodgers the best chance to win in 2009, not in 2012.

Oh, and just in case you think I’m crazy, you should know that Ned Colletti agrees with me. No seriously, he thinks I’m right. In an interview with ESPN immediately after the Game 5 loss, Colletti said, “We have real good pitchers, but we need to get better in the rotation.”

Gee Ned, ya think??

Maybe if you had figured that out in November 2008 instead of October 2009 the Dodgers would be celebrating a National League pennant right now instead of cleaning out their lockers.

So Mr. Colletti, while it pains me to say it, this is strike one. Sorry Ned, but it has to be done. And because I like you, I’ll let you in on a little secret: In the win-at-all-costs sports world of 2009, strike two comes next, followed closely by strike three.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what happens after strike three? That ok, you can ask C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Roy Halladay, or Cliff Lee – they know all about it.

October 18, 2009

Welcome to The Cheap Seats

I wanted to be a Major League Baseball player when I grew up. That was it. There were no other options. There was no Plan B. But somewhere around my second year as the utility player on my high school baseball team (I played left bench, scorekeeper, right bench, first base coach, and left out), I realized that my dream probably wasn’t meant to be. And even though I went on to enjoy a relatively successful intra-mural career (winning two softball titles in college and three flag-football titles in law school), my most valuable sports contribution has always been, and will continue to be, my fanhood.

But here’s the thing: I lived in Denver until I was seven, Northern California till I was 10, Southern California through college, spent law school in Chicago, and now live in Washington DC. So needless to say, my taste in sports teams is a bit eclectic. At various times in my life I have rooted for the Broncos, Cubs, Buffaloes, Dodgers, Avalanche, Bruins, 49ers, Rockies, Lakers, Angels, Bears, Nuggets, and Nationals, not necessarily in that order. To be honest, I’m a bit of a mess.

So what does this mean for you? It means that at certain points during our time together, you may feel confused, angry, and maybe even betrayed by my columns. You may feel frustrated by my flexible fanhood, perplexed by my pliable passions, or astounded by my amazing ability to apply alliterative adjectives to almost any action, affair, or accomplishment (sorry, I got carried away).

But to make this a little easier for you (and to give myself some credibility as a sports fan), I should tell you that, despite this tumultuous sports ride, I have developed some ground rules. Specifically, there are five non-negotiable principles that truly define who I am as a fan.

Number one: I am, above all else, a sports fan. My big three are baseball, football, and golf, but other than the WNBA, I’ll watch just about anything.

Number two: I bleed Dodger Blue. The Rockies didn’t come to Denver until after I left, and my parents both grew up in Southern California, so I was raised a Dodger fan. Not that I didn’t love the Blake Street Bombers and root like hell during Rocktober, but the Rockies have to be number two, sorry. And yes, I realize they are in the same division, and I know that sometimes I write about the Rockies. Like I said, it’s complicated.

Number three: I also bleed Orange. As a kid growing up in Denver in the 1980s, being a Broncos fan wasn’t really an option. “Super Bowl” was a dirty word until 1998, “Three Amigos” never referred to Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, or Martin Short, and there are rumors that I once (or twice) grew a mullet to honor John Elway. This is just how things were done.

Number four: U-C-L-A Go! Fight! Win! Like I said, my parents grew up in SoCal. Dad went to UCLA. Then my older cousins went to UCLA. Then my friends from high school went to UCLA. Then I went to UCLA. Then more friends from high school went to UCLA. Then my brother went to UCLA. Then my younger cousins went to UCLA. All told, my family has nearly one dozen Bruins, and has had a continuous presence on campus since the late nineties. So yeah, I’m a fan.

Number five: I detest all things Giant, Raider, and Trojan. See rules two through four above.

So you see, I’m not a lost cause. I do have some ground rules. Yes, my fanhood has some flexibility at the margins, but give me the Dodgers, Broncos, Bruins, and not the WNBA, and I’m a happy man.

So that’s it. That’s what you need to know. I will discuss many topics and say many ridiculous things in the days, weeks, and months to come, but you have my word that those five principles will never change.

Oh, and one more thing: I started writing because I wanted to talk about sports. So if you have something to say, don’t be shy. Post it on the site or send me an email. I’d love to hear compliments, criticisms, column ideas, or anything else you want to discuss. Just let me know.

And thanks for visiting The Cheap Seats. I hope you enjoy the view.